The best woman to marry

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Why Daddy Didn’t Come To Work…

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee’s home phone # and was greeted with a child’s whisper

“Hello”

Is your daddy home? he asked.

“Yes.” whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?

The child whispered, “no.”

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your mommy there?”
“Yes.”

May I talk with her?

Again the small voice whispered, “No.”

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the asked, “Is anybody else there?”

“Yes” whispered the child, “A policeman !!”

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”

“No, he’s busy.” whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?”

“Talking to daddy and mommy and the fireman,” came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

“A helicopter.” answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed.”

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle……..

“ME !”

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Just For Laughs...

Ok, sure, we can all use a humor break, especially after staring at the screen, filling out surveys! lol

I figured I would include some links, just for laughs... hope you enjoy!

Cubby, dancing to "All the Single Ladies"

Parody of a certain mile high beer company and their current inflammatory ad campaign


Funny babies video... too cute!

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS Very funny!

An Amusing way to Look at the Stimulus Plan

Pole dancing--don't try this at home... one of my fav's!

When the Wife Doesn't Listen

This is SO funny, I just had to share it!!!

Get Paid for Your Funny Forwards!

Do you have friends who send you all the great email forwards? Here's a way to share them with others, and earn points towards great gift cards in the process! Just send me an email, with "forwards" in the subject line, and your first name in the body, and I'll send an invite right to ya!

Email me

Ralph and Edna... Not Your Typical Love Story

The love story of Ralph and Edna...





Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't

mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both

patients in a mental hospital.





One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph

suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool

and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the

bottom and pulled him out.





When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she

immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now

considered her to be mentally stable.





When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news

and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were

able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the

life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays

sound mindedness.





The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his Bathrobe

belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'





Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How

soon can I go home?'





Happy Mental Health Day!





You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable

friend...



Done my part!!!

A Mom's Letter to Santa

Found this on Gather, and just HAD to share it! Here's the link to the original posting:



Gather



Dear Santa,



I've been a good mom all year.

I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand,

Visited their doctor's office more than my own doctor,

And sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money

To plant a shade tree on the school playground.



I was hoping you could spread my list out over

Several Christmas's since I had to write this letter

With my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt

In the laundry room between cycles, and who knows

When I'll find any more free time in the next 18 years.



Here are my Christmas wishes:



I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color except

Purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or

Flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to pull my

Screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.



I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the

Seventh month of my last pregnancy.



If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like fingerprint

Resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music;

A television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing

Talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment

Behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.



On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says,

"Yes Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with

Two kids who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip

All the way up without the use of power tools.



I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting

"Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off

Your brother" because my voice seems to be just out of my

Children's' hearing range and can only be heard by the dogs....



If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for

Enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same

Morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room

Temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.



If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to

Brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to

Declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely.



It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around

The house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses

Of an organized crime family.



Well Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my

Feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back.



Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door

And come on in and dry off so you don't catch cold.

Help yourself to the cookies on the table but don't eat too many

Or leave crumbs on the carpet.



Yours Always, MOM!!



P.S. One more thing . . . You can cancel all my requests if you can

Keep my children young enough to believe in Santa.

A Little Christmas Cheer!

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not

produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the

Pre-Christmas pressure.



Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which

stressed Santa even more.



When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them

were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were

out, Heaven knows where.



Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards

cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were

scattered.



Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a

shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves

had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration,

he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of

little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the

broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the

broom.



Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door,

yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big

Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a

lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me

to stick it?'



And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Millions of Monkeys

Got this in my email, and figured it would be great to share!

Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and
announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys
for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He next announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announce d that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: ‘Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.’ The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 700 billion dollars.

They never saw the man or his assistant again, only
lots and lots of monkeys!

Now you have a better understanding of how the
WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WILL WORK !!!!

Thanks for all the emails (sarcastic!) :P

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.


I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.


I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.


I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.


I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan ...


I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.


AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . .

Oh, by the way.....


A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.


Have a Merry Christmas and have a happy new Year anyway.


My, you're getting old!